Lean Into the Chaos
Demi and Ed have two teenagers in long-term foster care, two boys of their own – both under two – and no such thing as a normal week.
It’s perfect.
For anyone wondering about fostering with your own children, their family is proof that fostering doesn’t have to wait until your children have grown up.
“There’s no defined schedule,” says Demi. “There’s always something going on. It’s hectic, but in the best way.”
She laughs. “You’ve just got to lean into the chaos.”
There are four children in the house. The two teenage girls they foster came first, so the boys were born into a household that was already established, already fostering and already used to adapting.
And yet, fostering itself wasn’t a bolt from the blue.
Demi’s whole working life has been in childcare. She spent some time working at a hospital, then in a nursery, followed by years as a nanny. Her aunt was fostered as a child, so the idea had always been somewhere in the background.
“I never really was career-minded. I always just wanted to be a mum,” she says.
Working in other families’ homes was what made her realise something.
“I thought, I could just do this in my own home, and bring up my own children where I want to be.”
She pauses to think.
“Being a mum is the hardest job there is. And it’s the best.”
What people are most afraid of
“I think people who are new to fostering assume the process is scary,” Demi muses.
The assessment involves a series of meetings that walk through your life, from your earliest memories to the present day. It’s thorough and personal, and it caught them both a little off guard.
“It’s the first time you actually talk about your life from the start to now,” adds Ed. “You never talk about that stuff. You start thinking about all sorts of different things. It’s actually quite nice. It’s a bit like therapy.
“It’s a little intrusive and for the best reasons. They’ve got to get the right people. People children can trust. Thank God they do it. So they get it right.”
The other misconception is about the children themselves. People can arrive with horror stories in their heads.
“You’ve just got to look at their situation, what they’ve come through, and have a bit of patience.”
Children are capable
One of the girls living with Demi and Ed has a learning disability, and supporting her has been one of the most rewarding parts of the last five years.
Some weeks, that means two hours a night sitting and talking things through, going round and round until lessons land.
“We’ve always treated her like she’s capable. She can do it. And she’s come so far because of that.”
Demi and Ed started from a position contrary to many people’s gut reaction. They didn’t overprotect her; they supported her.
Within a week of moving in, she was tying her own shoelaces.
Watching that change is the answer to why they keep going.
“Seeing how far they’ve come is so rewarding. We’ve changed her path,” says Demi.
The age gap also works for their family. The girls are old enough to want their own space, while the boys need constant attention. Somehow, it all balances out.
“They see them as their brothers. They’re so gentle and patient.”
When the family does activities, they do them together.
Movie nights. Camping trips. Dinners.
Fostering with your own children
For Demi and Ed, fostering with their own children has simply become part of family life. The boys were born into a fostering household, while the girls were already part of the family.
Before starting their fostering journey, Demi researched fostering agencies and the local authority before deciding who to foster with.
The scale of Little Acorns was the deciding factor.
“I’d personally get lost in a big group,” Demi explains. “I like it to be more personable. We know every person there, and we can go to any of them for advice.”
She’s also honest about being better with children than with admin. Little Acorns works with her to make that side of fostering as straightforward as possible.
“You feel like a little family. They’re just a phone call away. Which is important, because to be a good foster carer you need a solid base.
“Everyone reaches their limits sometimes, and you need a good family around you – someone to step in, or just give you two hours’ space.”
After that, Ed adds, it’s all about patience and refusing to quit.
“Don’t give up. Persevere.”
Becoming a foster carer
Demi’s advice to anyone deciding whether to apply to become a foster carer is simple.
“It sounds daunting, and you think, this is our life, we’re putting everything out there. But it’s so rewarding – as a family, and watching those children go from what they were to what they are now.
“Don’t panic and overthink it at the beginning. Just jump in. It’s worth it.”
Children need somewhere safe when their own families can’t provide it. Ultimately, fostering depends on ordinary people and families being willing to make room.
Demi and Ed’s story also shows that having young children of your own doesn’t necessarily mean fostering has to wait.
Family life may be busy. It may be noisy. It may not always go according to plan.
Sometimes, you’ve just got to lean into the chaos.
If you’re considering fostering with your own children, or simply want to find out whether fostering could work for your family, get in touch with Little Acorns. We’ll talk you through the process with no pressure or obligation.